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Monday, October 22, 2018

Marriage Mondays: Our Hardest Year


We are going on 7 years of marriage and while we have been through some shit, our first year of marriage still remains our hardest year of marriage.  For a while, I've always shared this was my hardest year but it dawned on me this past weekend as I wrote this Blog post that I've never asked my husband what was his hardest year.  To my surprise, he actually said that our first year was the hardest!  For some reason, I didn't expect him to say that because like I said... we've been through some shit.  And, the funniest part is that his reason why is EXACTLY the same as my reason why.  Go figure.

EXPECTATIONS

We had a beautiful wedding, we really did.  All the planning up to it was perfect + the wedding itself came out better than I could have ever expected.  Then the wedding was just OVER and it was back to living life together but now we were married.  From the time I came home, I expected to see some miraculous change from boyfriend/fiance to now Husband.  I expected our marriage to be just as beautiful as our wedding day but without the effort.  What I forgot was that our wedding was beautiful because of all the work we had put into it.  GIRL, I expected this man to come home with roses daily/weekly to surprise me... I expected him to treat me like his Queen regardless of how I treated him... I literally expected him to change overnight.  Stop talking to your friends so much, I'm your Wife now.  Stop watching Sports so much + watch what WE want to watch, I'm your Wife now.  Spend all your free time with me, I'm your Wife now.  The arguing and silent treatment was constant in our first year.  I would call my cousin (who is also my best friend) + cry on the phone to her while staring at my wedding dress still hanging in my room.  That dress hung in my room for months because it was metaphorically me hanging on to the perfection I expected us to turn into overnight.  Then one day, I decided to talk to Steven about how I was feeling.  No surprise, it started another argument but this argument ended in him trying to prove me wrong.  I told him that I was concerned because we don't seem to even be friends with each other anymore.  He seemed more dedicated to his college and work friendships than he was to us.  His reply was that your Wife doesn't have to be your friend and followed up by saying "watch, I'm going to ask some of my friends that are married"!  To his surprise, not only did every single person say that their Wife was one of their friends but they all said that their Wife was their BEST friend.  That was an eye opener for Steven and definitely a pivotal moment in our marriage.  He looked at me + apologized for not being the friend I needed and asked me how he could be a better friend.

Now for him, things were very different but also the same.  He came home from the wedding with tons of expectations in mind as well.  According to him, he thought a "good Wife" should be taking care of the house, keeping it clean, cooking and taking care of the kids.  On top of that he also expected a "good Wife" to be Fucking + Sucking on demand (his words, not mine).  NONE of this was happening.  I had just started a new job that I was struggling at so I was giving 150% there and probably 25% to the care of my home (it doesn't add up, I know).  Nobody was dying because the house wasn't clean.  Then this man would go the entire day without a quick text to say "hey" or "how's your day" but wonder why there was no connection once we both got home from work.  At first, I thought it was because he was swamped at work but our phone bill proved that to be a lie.  He was using up ALL our data playing games with his friends and had chats a mile long every single day with every single friend.  Of course, I wasn't included in that.  We were both disappointed in each other for different reasons but nobody wanted to make the first move.

REALITY

Once Steven was open to the idea that your Wife can be your Best Friend, a lot changed.  We talked more, connected more and LAUGHED more.  Things in our every day life began fitting together seamlessly.  How we parented improved because we were just happier people around each other.  The reality is that we began putting in the real work necessary to have a happy marriage.  Did this solve all of our problems, definitely not because shit got real years later but it began to lay the foundation needed to get through the tougher areas down the road.  Our sex life improved as I challenged myself to not say NO for an entire month.  That one month changed our sex life in ways I never thought possible but that's another story for another time.  It took us both wanting to improve not only for each other, but for ourselves + our children.  Looking back at that first year, we were soooooo selfish!  I wish I could go back and not waste a whole year (plus some) being as unhappy as we were over things that were easily fixable.  But hey, you live + you learn.

For all the married women/couples out there, what was your hardest year of marriage?  It doesn't necessarily have to be a "bad" year but which year challenged you the most?  Let's chat below.

XOXOMCS.

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